Nine Short Poems

Whenas in spandex Julia goes
Then, then (my god!), as cherries pose
On ice cream scoops, each nipple shows.
Next, my eyes, drawn downward, see
Inside its opened pod a pea.
Oh, what those nodes arouse in me!

Whenas in workboots Julia goes,
With courduroys and flannel clothes,
And studs in lip and ear and nose
Her hair an asymmetric cut
Her walk an unselfconscious strut --
Oh, how I long to pat her butt!


The Finger
Here's to the man who invented the finger
The insult seen not heard --
The first to say from far away
He gave us all the bird.

Without him we would not have known
This gesture that you see --
So let his name go down in fame,
Whatever it may be.

One syllable, one vowel, nine letters long,
With diphthongs of extraordinary lengths;
I hope the hint I give is not too strong:
What common English word has all these strengths?

Safety Clear
You walked away as if you couldn’t hear,
No matter what we said, our calling you –
You walked away as if the cliff weren’t there,
As if you saw the bridge to safety clear,
As if that were the one thing you could do,
Your spirit wild and weightless as the air.

Der erste hat ein Haar gespalten
Un einen Vortrag daruber gehalten.
Der zweit fugt es neu zusammen
Und muss die Ansicht des ersten verdammen.
Im buche des dritten kann man lesen,
Es sei nicht das richtige Haar gewesen.
Ludwig Fulda

The first professor split a hair
And lectured as it withered there.
The second fixed the hair and cursed
The senseless theories of the first.
The third one’s book proved, I recall,
They had the wrong hair after all.

I went to the Viscount's for tea;
It was just as I feared it would be:
Although we were masked
I'm constantly asked
If the big or the small one was me.

Esmerelda arrived where a bunch
Of her gypsies had barbecued lunch
At the table d'hote
She asked "Where's my goat -
Quasimodo, do you have a hunch?"

The Brazilian
... A 2006 study called "Did the Brazilian Kill the Pubic Louse?", written by NR Armstrong and JD Wilson, of Leeds General Infirmary, wonders at the sudden rarity of pubic lice in the UK and elsewhere. Published in the journal Sexually Transmitted Infections, the study suggests a possible cause ... Dutch naturalist Kees Moeliker ... started a campaign to collect and preserve some specimens for the Rotterdam Natural History Museum, of which he is a curator. "When the bamboo forests that the giant panda lives in were cut down, the bear became threatened with extinction," ... Moeliker ... will take part in the Ig Nobel Tour for National Science and Engineering Week (March 6-16). If you have a specimen of Phthiris pubis you'd like to donate to science, or know someone who has, please bring them to one of the events. -- Marc Abrahams, in The Guardian, Tuesday March 4, 2008

Girls, though you are tough or tender,
Clean and sober, on a bender,
Drink it straight or from a blender,
Free or trussed in a suspender,
Fat, or medium, or slender,
In firm control or fond surrender,
Smooth the groove of your pudenda.
Burma Shave.

Marcus Bales

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