The Board Game
This is a game of skill and chance.
Chance determines how long your legs are, how silky your hair. What kind of breasts you have, and whether your skin is blemished or not.
Skill is involved in keeping the pounds off, curling your lashes, matching eye shadow to lip gloss.
Draw a green card and run for office. Lose, and learn quickly who wins.
Draw a yellow card and drive your first love into the locker of a girl named Candy.
Draw a blue card and eat nothing but jet-puffed marshmallows. Your metabolism stores them as pudge.
Land on Scholarship, lose two turns to a rhomboid.
Land on Virginity, go back ten awkward squares.
Spin to a cheerleader, and do cartwheels around the entire board as a penalty for not having an elfin nose.
Spin to drugs, take a very long break.
Roll a three to reach the high school finish line. Stuff your backpack with a thousand fake smiles, and run.
Laurie Barton (email@example.com) always ate the gingerbread cookies in Candyland. As a punishment, she was drizzled in icing and studded with gumdrops.