The Staffroom Method
or How Teachers Diet And Stay Happy

If the biscuits you’re eating are broken
   DOESN’T COUNT

If you don’t know your mouth is open
   DOESN’T COUNT

If you’re eating standing up
   DOESN’T COUNT

If it’s after pub fry-up
   DOESN’T COUNT

If you’re being polite while someone’s looking
   DOESN’T COUNT

If you’re tasting while you’re cooking
   DOESN’T COUNT

If you’re stressed or it’s midwinter
   DOESN’T COUNT

If it’s yesterday’s cold pizza
   DOESN’T COUNT

If there’s a strawberry somewhere below the cream
   DOESN’T COUNT                                                       

If you’re doing something obscene
   DOESN’T COUNT

If you’re in a bad mood
   DOESN’T COUNT

Basically, if it’s food
   IT DOESN’T COUNT

Matt Black

If you have any comments on this poem, Matt Black would be pleased to hear from you.