Symeon Stylites - The True Story
(Apocryphal version)



Simeon Stylites(or Symeon the Stylite) was a fifth century monk and ascetic, famous for
spending the last 37 years of his life atop a pillar to escape the attentions of his followers.
Accounts of his life tend not to explain how he coped with bodily functions.

Saint Simeon Stylites, who lived on a plinth,
smelt fragrantly sweet as a hyacinth—
or did to begin with, but after a bit,
with no bath to bathe in and nowhere to shit,
he smelt pretty whiffy, as you would do too.
(The monks made a fortune by peddling his poo.)

His friends brought hot water, and flannels and soap
and sticks of deodorant blessed by the Pope,
but Simeon said, Please don’t think me a brute
but there’s prayers to be said. I’ve no time to ablute.
And a terrible saintly stench hung on the air
(which the monks trapped in bottles to flog at the fair.)

Thirty years passed. Then the good Lord took pity
and summoned our saint to the heavenly city,
where nobody stinks because spirits don’t smell,
not even the evil ones rotting in hell.
Now Simeon stands by God’s blossomy throne.
(The monks sold his skeleton – ten quid a bone.)

Annie Fisher

If you have any thoughts about this poem, Annie Fisher would be pleased to hear them