The Phat in the Hat Yo… Em, 50 cent, Dre, Snoop, DMX Roll down the window of that tricked up gold lex Give me a minute to let me say thanks t’ya For the career advice ya’ll gave to my wanksta Son, who wasn’t sure what he would do Was flailing around for his path as he grew But finally found the Holy Grail that he sought In the ciphers and videos of your songs that he bought Now I know how to get his life on the right track I can see how my old plan for him was just whack You guys make so much more money than me I saw you win gold on the MTV You call women bitches and Hos when you please Then find em all lined up backstage on their knees All I had was some girlfriends then just my wife For the last 25 years, that ain’t much of a life I just know my boy can do better like you When he’s a bit older and you’re older too Maybe when you have daughters just about sixteen He’ll be in his prime, you know just what I mean He’ll be a gangsta like you – he’ll put your girls on the street Give em X, smack and crack and when needed a beat down to keep em in line, but you’ll understand, they just Hos so its fine They’ll give him their money from working their knees He’ll be the best of the P.I.M.P.s He’ll get pissed at your neighbor’s teenage kid in a bar Spray your house by mistake and kill your kids from his car When you come after him with your posse and macs I’ll be so proud when he trumps your puny attacks With 3 RPGs and a claymore or two Too bad about that school in the way when he do (Refrain) You so bad you are the one I want ya’ll to teach my son To be like you when he gets older Not much tougher but a whole lot colder His mom and sister still seem sweet How’s he gonna treat all Hos like meat He’s got friends of all colors in every hood Now that can’t be any fuckin good Please help him learn to spew rhymes of hate Make him a gangsta before its too late. But he’ll be the baddest gangsta ass ever has been He’ll kill you, all your neighbors and most of your kin If you fuck with him once or even look at him funny He’ll put your mom on the street and then take all your money He’s only 5”2’ and weighs 110 soaking wet But that don’t mean shit cause it’s the weapons you get And that you will use without hesitation If I can get him a nuke he can rule the whole nation After all Em and 50 he’s learned this shit well >From your lyrics and poses and the stories they tell The baddest ass rules hey my boy can do that We been learning that shit since the cat in the hat >From Ghengis to Adolf from Pol Pot to Idi The strong always ass fuck all them needy With swords, clubs and guns that go rat-tat-tat-tat But that isn’t all we can do said the phat Look at me, look at me, look at me now You can be a bad ass but you have to know how Tattoos and mac 10s aren’t for shit said the phat I’ve got better that that said the phat in the hat Lucky these gangstas you would ‘Em’ulate As badasses go aren’t even fishbait Compared to the really bad asses out there All you rap gangstas seem like ya’ll style hair My boy isn’t going to be soft like you are Primp on TV and show off in your car He’s learned your lessons better than you He’ll own all your daughters before he is through He’ll have your wife out on the street with your ma They’re all Hos to him he’s a badass gangsta I got him a plan that I know you’ll approve I’ll bust him right out of his middle class groove The college fund I’ve saved for his future degree Will come in handy now for his first armory I’ll pull his ass out of school it was only a fad Get his real schooling from the true masters of bad At the Holocaust museum he’ll take copious notes In the Killing Fields he’ll get souvenirs in his totes A class trip to Africa will help calibrate Just how far Gangstas need to go to know how to hate He’ll learn from the Boers, Hutus and Amin The fine art of genocide and the tanning of skin You don’t need tattoos and a fuckin head rag To whack off kids arms take’em home in a bag We’ll stop off in Bosnia to see how its done Rapin them 3 year olds and maybe a nun We’ll spend years counting tears of the world’s history Skulls and babies on pikes as far as you see Tortured inquisitions in Europes hall of fame Comanches, Mau Mau, Japanese, just the same Every culture in every time steeped in blood steeped in bile With each their own camp line, step up single file Our souls reside deep inside our animal nature Hate and lust, fear, mistrust, are Darwin’s legislature My boy’ll study masters then kick all your asses At your own fuckin game you poser badasses (to the tune of Slim Shady) “Will the real bad asses please stand up please stand up please stand up You other badasses are just naughty lasses Acting up Acting up” Shit 50 you got far on several gunshots Add a few rhymes and you’re with the hotshots If he starts out by trumping your violence I figga He can jump over Em as the new white boy nigga So I bought him some Sarin and his splash will be bigga When he leaves your whole family and neighbors in rigga He’ll be the badass with the very most vigga Who needs your popguns or even a trigga New fashions will follow as everyone knows No one will want to buy your kind of clothes He’ll make your scalps into dewrags and then Sell your scrota as belly packs (very high end) Tattoos of course will be out of fashion Ear necklaces ala Nam will be the new retro passion Badder asses then you have fucked up this planet Long before rap or the efforts to ban it Now that I understand just what it takes For success in your world and the money it makes I know how to advance my son’s new career I’ll just take out his heart, no more love, no more fear I’ll surgically remove all his empathy too So that anything living he’ll kill or he’ll screw My next kid I’ll get on the right track from the start Then I won’t have to physically cut out his heart I’ll have my wife raise him, keep all men away Except to abuse them on every third day >From men he will get only distance and pain Fear, anger and self-hatred his heart will train Strength, violence and men will seem like hand and glove And womanly weak will seem kindness and love Then when he is ready to become a man Choking those feelings will seem the best plan Feeling love for a women will make him so feel Like a baby again or a girl who should kneel That to the whole world he will loudly declare That women are Hos and he just doesn’t care What any of them want, just fuck em instead He’ll use em up dry and then leave em for dead Then no one will know his secret so dark That deep down inside in the pit of his heart That need for his mom and deep insecurity Drive all this hyper-masculinity And when I’m done I will set him on you Son #1’s arsenal on son #2 The evilest empire since the fall of the sickle He’ll make 50 cent look like less than a nickel Dr. Dre will look like Dr. Spock, be so tamed And Eminem will look like just what he’s named My little gangsta engineered from the start Will ravage your women and eat all your hearts He’ll rhyme like a fiend as he burns down your hood In his body part fashions he’ll look mighty good Up on stage while accepting the VMA gold He’ll reach down Snoop’s throat and his lungs grab a hold Ripped out with a flourish and thrown to the crowd Then caught like a garter and brandished so proud Yo… Em, 50 cent, Dre, Snoop, DMX Your daughters backstage will be ready for sex Down on their knees smokin crack, doin’ X Havin learned how to Ho from their own Daddys’ text Now go on roll back up that tinted lex glass My boy says his thanks for your baby’s Ho ass (By the way Em, I know this is right up your alley No need to wait for my boy to launch little Hallie I’m sure Snoop will turn her as soon as she’s ripe Or 50 will Ho her with nary a gripe Cause they’d Ho any bitch, it’s clear from their song And you’d rape your ma, so what could be wrong) If cappin motherfuckers and ho’in all bitches Is the badass’ road on to fame on to riches And the badder you are the higher you go Then just be prepared to reap what you sow If some wanksta comes and shoots up your son Then rapes your daughter and wife just for fun And shoots in your spine so you can’t even crawl Then laughs at your ciphers while you piss in your hall Just be ready to nod and hand him your crown Don’t whine when your karma comes back on around Maurice Nobert
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